This is all I have to offer today

The home page of an iPhone has a black background, with apps arranged partly out of need, partly out of design. The top row of apps spells out GAGA thanks to the one-letter branding of Google, The Athletic, GMEUApp (Garner's Modern English Usage, and AP Stylebook. The far left column is app icons with white backgrounds and colorful symbols inside. Much of the far right column has apps with green as the primary color. The grays touch. Three blues are aligned vertically at the bottom of the third column. The very bottom is arranged to accommodate Page 2, the Rubik's Cube page, which is the one in this photo. Blue on white in left column, red on second column, white on blue on third column, and greens on fourth column. This will all be a challenge for my disappearing brain, which in its ADHD-ness and PTSD status has needed everything to be in the same place to assist me in finding what I need. It's an intentional challenge. Pages 3 and 4 are a random mess. Maybe someday each will have a theme. I am mostly useless or sleeping and need the challenge of this. I know I've used that word three times now. Sorry.

Published May 19, 2025

Probably everyone who reads these knows by now that I’m struggling mightily. I slept 16 hours a day for four months after the election, and I’m working hard to keep my brain from withering.

So I did the thing you see up above.

I call it my Rubik’s Cube page on my iPhone. Do I need to explain that? I think not.

That took longer than you might think. It also required me to adjust home Home Screen.

The home page of an iPhone has a black background, with apps arranged partly out of need, partly out of design. The top row of apps spells out GAGA thanks to the one-letter branding of Google, The Athletic, GMEUApp (Garner's Modern English Usage, and AP Stylebook. The far left column is app icons with white backgrounds and colorful symbols inside. Much of the far right column has apps with green as the primary color. The grays touch. Three blues are aligned vertically at the bottom of the third column. The very bottom is arranged to accommodate Page 2, the Rubik's Cube page. This will all be a challenge for my disappearing brain, which in its ADHD-ness and PTSD status has needed everything to be in the same place to assist me in finding what I need. It's an intentional challenge. Pages 3 and 4 are a random mess. Maybe someday each will have a theme. I am mostly useless or sleeping and need the challenge of this. I know I've used that word three times now. Sorry.

There’s more to say, but I’m too tired.

Brief update

Having all but exhausted short-term disability options, I applied for long-term disability. The stack of paperwork is enormous. They want my clinic’s notes and my therapist’s notes, and maybe your notes. I’ll let you know.

It’s all overwhelming for a brain that says green when it means blue and undiluted when it means undisputed. (Those are not the embarrassing ones.)

Yesterday was my mom’s birthday. She died at 75 from lymphoma complications. My dad died at 52 from cancer. It was an aggressive cancer he didn’t know he had until a few weeks before he died.

The public discourse around Joe Biden’s cancer diagnoses sickens and infuriates me, and I am all but done with humans. We are a shitty country in many ways.

Sending what love I can scrape together with the water dangerously close to going above my neck.

♥

Thank you

If you appreciate what you find here and feel generous, you can check out the Tip Jar. Thank you for reading. Here’s a butterfly for you.

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A note

The featured image before you click into this story was supposed to be more creative and artful.

But because I am barely functioning it looks like the love child of Dr. Strangelove, Elton John and D.B. Cooper. Apologies to them and to you. Or maybe it’s like when Joan Baez went onstage disguised as Bob Dylan. Yeah, that’s me as an undercover spy, with a short-hair cap covering my still-growing long hair.

OK, bye.

One thought on “This is all I have to offer today”

  1. Nicole

    I share your mom’s birthday. Yesterday left me a year younger than your dad was when he passed. It was my third birthday without my mom, my second without my dad.

    I am sorry you are still struggling so much. Why are we required to do so much paperwork during such times? Sending much love.

    Reply

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